... The meeting was adjourned when the president fell on his knees and waved his hands up and down, yelling, "Read my lips: We're not worthy! We're not worthy!" ...

...on two bars switching to non-alcoholic sodas and juices:

... "The owners and bartenders all got together one evening and brainstormed about why the patrons were so messy, lewd, and destructive, and they figured it must be the beer. So the two organizations both agreed to stop selling it," Gemmill explained. ...

...on giant lizards in the Sahara:

... When approached with these comments, an Army insider replied, "We know exactly what we're missing. We're missing the opportunity to have one of our 300 million dollar choppers munched by an oversized iguana and have the whole mess pinned on us, that's what we're missing." ...

...on Rhode Island:

Rhode Island submitted its letter of resignation to the President, the Supreme Court, and all the members of Congress three days ago. Upon reading the document, President Bush said, "That's nice," and threw it away. ...

...on parking:

A Cessna pilot who had circled Monongalia Regional Airport three times got fed up with the wait and went for an ice-cream cone on High Street yesterday. ... ... A Morgantown Deputy Sheriff approached [the pilot] and wrote him a parking ticket for not having a valid parking sticker, then asked him to move the plane. ...

...on writing newspaper columns:

... But you guys are so mean. I mean, you guys are really rotten. Everything I say, you send in hate mail. Do I get any letters telling me how smart I am? No. Leave me the hell alone, okay? I just want to write my column in peace. ...

...on Gilligan's Island:

... The S.S. Minnow represents creation, the Garden of Eden. Mankind traveled in the Garden, but was cast out by the fury of God. The island represents the Earth as we know it. The cast must learn to survive in a world bereft of the favors of God (notice that worship of God is maintained through the faith that one day they will be "saved"). ...

... on the comics page: