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© 2006 Brian F. Schreurs
Even we have a disclaimer.

I've got cousins with children and friends with children, but somehow, a nephew already feels different, and I haven't even met him yet. It's really been getting me thinking. What will my role in his life be? I know the parents are the main source of knowledge and guidance. I also know that the grandparents have a geographic advantage -- I'll be the lesser-seen relative by a country mile. Will I just be another name, a strange face to stare at when it comes around, another semi-anonymous tag on a wrapped gift under the Christmas tree? I hope not. I don't intend for that to happen. I have a contribution to make too. I have things to teach him.

I'll teach him the value of a dollar by beating him mercilessly at Monopoly until he's good enough to win on his own.

I'll teach him to not succumb to peer pressure by pouring lemonade on the snow when he's not looking, and then double-dog daring him to eat it.

I'll teach him how to use an innocent child to get out of a speeding ticket. Or, I'll teach him how to gracefully accept a speeding ticket after looking like a fool.

I'll teach him that you can't catch a squirrel with your bare hands, even if you try all afternoon.

I'll teach him that a hammer is only an acceptable tool after checking eBay for the cost of replacing whatever it is to be hammered.

I'll teach him that "good things come to those who wait" and "carpe diem" are, amazingly, both completely true.

I'll teach him that elephants use snakes to clean out their trunk boogers.

I'll teach him to not always believe everything, even if it comes from an adult.

I'll teach him the senseless cruelty of war by pretending to feed his gerbils, one by one, to the family cat each time he loses a battle in Risk. I'll teach him the value of mercy by not actually doing it.

I'll teach him that it's best to face into the breeze for farting and away from the breeze for peeing.

I'll teach him who Jimmy Page is, and, much, much later in his life, who Slash is.

I'll teach him that life is for taking chances. But also that the reason they say "whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger" is because sometimes, it kills you.

If he asks, I'll teach him that girls aren't icky. If he asks why, I'll tell him to talk to his dad.

I'll teach him how to drink out of a hose without touching the end. And why you should wait for your uncle to remove the spray nozzle before trying it.

I'll teach him that it's okay to be the one who takes charge.

I'll teach him that sometimes it's best to just smile and try to laugh when a crazy person tells the same joke twice.

I'll teach him that sometimes it's best to just smile and try to laugh when a crazy person tells the same joke twice.

I'll teach him the value of learning a foreign language by only cursing around him in Russian.

I'll teach him how to drive a stick. Then, how to do a burnout.

I'll teach him that it's a good idea to know what you're doing. And if you don't know what you're doing, it's a good idea to ask for help. And if no one else knows what they're doing either, go for it anyway, and eventually you'll know what you're doing.

I'll teach him what taxes are for by taking a quarter of his allowance, spending it on gumballs, and then throwing them away. Or maybe I'll teach him what taxes should be for by taking some of his money, and some of my own, and buying a homeless guy a meal.

Then I'll teach him not to gamble by playing games of chance with him until I have the rest of his allowance, and I'll go buy a Dairy Queen ice cream cone with his money.

I'll teach him how to eat an entire Dairy Queen ice cream cone in one bite.

I'll teach him that dogs are not ponies. So will the dogs.

I'll teach him that convertibles are better.

I'll teach him that you're never too old for cartoons.

I'll teach him to not steal, if need be, by faking my own arrest.

Maybe I'll fake my own arrest anyway, just to see the look on his face.

And hopefully, I'll teach him that his family loves him even if they are nuttier than a bag of almonds. Assuming, that is, that we're allowed unsupervised time together.